I just want to establish that I like to think I'm no where near cheesy enough to get in a cat fight.

Anywho. This week has been a struggle, I've moved so many times in my life that it seems like I should have it down by now, but no, there is shit piled all over my house and boxes half packed and trash bags full of stuff for goodwill, it looks like a warzone; on the real. I'm leaving for New York on Thursday though, which is rapidly approaching, I feel like I just got this apartment and I'm already leaving it, but it's really for the best. Just last night as a I was coming home from dinner I stopped to cross the street and the crosswalk and was literally circled and harrassed by a homeless guy, I'm just ready to get out of here, not to mention living alone gets so boring and isolating.

That's really what these last couple of months have been for me though, just a long period of isolation. I saw and spoke to as few people as possible because I wanted to take time to figure myself out, and now I'm not really sure if I accomplished that goal, or if I'm just more fucked than I was before I moved in here. Either way I'm leaving, and I'm excited. I really want to see if the change in scenery will spark the change in mentality that I've been needing for some time. I would really love to meet some new people and step outside my little bubble, maybe even a date or two; so if anyway knows a swell single fellow in the tri-state area, hook me up! Ha, I read that in Glamour magazine, where this chick forwarded an e-mail to everyone in her address book asking them to forward her phone number to a guy, and she got like 40 dates out of it or something. That magazine is so sexist though, most magazines are. They tell women the only things they should care about are their body, their hair, their make up, pleasing their man, and raising their kids. It's kind of disgusting when you think about it.

I watched the Democratic debates on Thursday, and I just have to say, why is Senator Gravel such a nut case? I mean really, he had some good ideas but they were just completely over shadowed by how insane he was acting. I thought Obama was weak, which was disappointing because he was my early favorite. The old guy from connecticut was stale and has no chance anyway, I really disliked Bill Richardson, so that just left Hilary and Joe Biden, I thought they really performed the best. John Edwards was good too actually, I like his ideas about healthcare a lot, but he's just far too socially conservative for my tastes. Someone bring back Howard Dean plz :[. And I'm not sure why I just wrote that review because no one will likely care, but oh well. I care.

In other news I reached level 53 in World of Warcraft this weekend with my girl who is a draeinai shadow priest, which I am pretty proud of, I already have a level 70 character, though I am still worlds behind Marc who I think has like 3 level 70's at this point. Hah, I am such a nerd it is rediculous. I guess to up my cool points I could talk about how it costs so much to move that I don't have any cash to buy weed until we get paid on Monday. Ugh, talk about some harsh shit. I think I need it now more than ever, my mind is going crazy, which probably means I'm addicted. Though really I'm not because marijuana isn't actually physically addicting and causes no symptoms of withdrawl.

I'm kind of excited because Marc and Liza are talking about taking a vacation to Japan just because Max has been hyping it so much recently, I suppose I will probably go with them if they do decide to go. I really like Japan and I feel like I haven't been on a vacation in forever. It will be cool to see Powder Burn too, they are my guilty pleasure, and obv, I have to go steal a few kisses from my secret lover. lolz. Really though, it will be good to see Max, he owes me some trouble in the form of illicit activities (aka he is so buying me an asian prostitute). Mad pumped! Sike!

wow, I'm lame, I'm really sorry if anyone's intelligence actually DECREASED by reading this. :[

xoxo
Phoebe (aka cinnamon tart)

I think I must have been listening to my ipod too loudly last night because now it feels like I have this constant ringing that won't go away. It's annoying as fuck and just makes me want to sleep from here to eternity, but so do most things these days. I think I'm depressed.

Last night I could hardly sleep cause I felt like I was just bursting at the seams to write things in here, and now this morning I can barely remember why I wanted to write some of that shit down. I think I get more emotional when I'm tired or something. I don't remember when I turned into someone so lame and cynincal. Well, I actually think the lame part has obviously always been there to some varying degree, but the cynical is new. I swear I used to be optimistic, but now I'm not even that.

I'm a lame, boring, pessimistic, fat, annoying, bitch. I'm too opinionated, yet too willing to back down to make people feel comfortable. I'm too quiet, yet when I do talk I always say the wrong things. I say this shit like I plan on making some sort of a change in my life, but I really don't, not today at least, it's too hard today. To quote the famous Scarlet, 'I can't think about that today; I'll have to think about it tomorrow'.

I'm such a whiner, good God, I can hear my Father telling me to pull myself together in my head, but this is my journal and just by the sheer fact that I feel guilty writing stuff I'm thinking about in it, already points out a flaw. Why am I so concerned with being 'cool' even if I'm the only one who will ever see? I don't know. Flaw number 39434095. I am also a virgin, I can't spell, and I'm not environmentally friendly 'enough'. One day I should list all of those flaws, and maybe even a few things I like about myself so that I can at least pretend it's physchologically (that's spelled wrong) productive.

Last night Max kind of beat me at scrabble, and it was less depressing than it should have been. I am still battling with the ongoing struggle of why exactly I like him. Why I've liked him since probably the first or second time I met him in person, and it's getting more and more difficult to understand by the day. Usually I wouldn't even think he was attractive, I'd hate the stupid pretentious music that his band makes, and I'd think he was a womanizer and an asshole. I mean, he doesn't even like Hillary Clinton. Which I also decided this week I would vote for, I mean, I like Barack Obama more, but with less that two full terms in the senate--wait, way off topic. Anyway, I should think all that shit about him but I still don't. I still like him, a lot, and...it needs to stop. I value his friendship a lot too, really. I don't know, this is another one of those 'can't think about that today' scenerios. Maybe today I will make a premeditated effort to ignore him. I need to appreciate the fact that's it's never going to happen. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, PHOEBE. Okay. I can appreciate that.

I really just want to move to New York. The place in L.A. is nice and shit, but it's not me. I need to start thinking one day at a time too, but with thought towards the bigger picture. Today, track drums. In the near future, finish the album; hope that the album does well enough to make me some money to move to New York. Move to New York. Find a hipster boyfriend who tries to make a difference in some profound way that will ultimately touch my heart. Buy a Dog.

^ Goals for the future.

This has gone on for far too long. Shit, I'm gonna be late for lunch.

Phoebe