I think I must have been listening to my ipod too loudly last night because now it feels like I have this constant ringing that won't go away. It's annoying as fuck and just makes me want to sleep from here to eternity, but so do most things these days. I think I'm depressed.
Last night I could hardly sleep cause I felt like I was just bursting at the seams to write things in here, and now this morning I can barely remember why I wanted to write some of that shit down. I think I get more emotional when I'm tired or something. I don't remember when I turned into someone so lame and cynincal. Well, I actually think the lame part has obviously always been there to some varying degree, but the cynical is new. I swear I used to be optimistic, but now I'm not even that.
I'm a lame, boring, pessimistic, fat, annoying, bitch. I'm too opinionated, yet too willing to back down to make people feel comfortable. I'm too quiet, yet when I do talk I always say the wrong things. I say this shit like I plan on making some sort of a change in my life, but I really don't, not today at least, it's too hard today. To quote the famous Scarlet, 'I can't think about that today; I'll have to think about it tomorrow'.
I'm such a whiner, good God, I can hear my Father telling me to pull myself together in my head, but this is my journal and just by the sheer fact that I feel guilty writing stuff I'm thinking about in it, already points out a flaw. Why am I so concerned with being 'cool' even if I'm the only one who will ever see? I don't know. Flaw number 39434095. I am also a virgin, I can't spell, and I'm not environmentally friendly 'enough'. One day I should list all of those flaws, and maybe even a few things I like about myself so that I can at least pretend it's physchologically (that's spelled wrong) productive.
Last night Max kind of beat me at scrabble, and it was less depressing than it should have been. I am still battling with the ongoing struggle of why exactly I like him. Why I've liked him since probably the first or second time I met him in person, and it's getting more and more difficult to understand by the day. Usually I wouldn't even think he was attractive, I'd hate the stupid pretentious music that his band makes, and I'd think he was a womanizer and an asshole. I mean, he doesn't even like Hillary Clinton. Which I also decided this week I would vote for, I mean, I like Barack Obama more, but with less that two full terms in the senate--wait, way off topic. Anyway, I should think all that shit about him but I still don't. I still like him, a lot, and...it needs to stop. I value his friendship a lot too, really. I don't know, this is another one of those 'can't think about that today' scenerios. Maybe today I will make a premeditated effort to ignore him. I need to appreciate the fact that's it's never going to happen. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, PHOEBE. Okay. I can appreciate that.
I really just want to move to New York. The place in L.A. is nice and shit, but it's not me. I need to start thinking one day at a time too, but with thought towards the bigger picture. Today, track drums. In the near future, finish the album; hope that the album does well enough to make me some money to move to New York. Move to New York. Find a hipster boyfriend who tries to make a difference in some profound way that will ultimately touch my heart. Buy a Dog.
^ Goals for the future.
This has gone on for far too long. Shit, I'm gonna be late for lunch.
Phoebe
Last night I could hardly sleep cause I felt like I was just bursting at the seams to write things in here, and now this morning I can barely remember why I wanted to write some of that shit down. I think I get more emotional when I'm tired or something. I don't remember when I turned into someone so lame and cynincal. Well, I actually think the lame part has obviously always been there to some varying degree, but the cynical is new. I swear I used to be optimistic, but now I'm not even that.
I'm a lame, boring, pessimistic, fat, annoying, bitch. I'm too opinionated, yet too willing to back down to make people feel comfortable. I'm too quiet, yet when I do talk I always say the wrong things. I say this shit like I plan on making some sort of a change in my life, but I really don't, not today at least, it's too hard today. To quote the famous Scarlet, 'I can't think about that today; I'll have to think about it tomorrow'.
I'm such a whiner, good God, I can hear my Father telling me to pull myself together in my head, but this is my journal and just by the sheer fact that I feel guilty writing stuff I'm thinking about in it, already points out a flaw. Why am I so concerned with being 'cool' even if I'm the only one who will ever see? I don't know. Flaw number 39434095. I am also a virgin, I can't spell, and I'm not environmentally friendly 'enough'. One day I should list all of those flaws, and maybe even a few things I like about myself so that I can at least pretend it's physchologically (that's spelled wrong) productive.
Last night Max kind of beat me at scrabble, and it was less depressing than it should have been. I am still battling with the ongoing struggle of why exactly I like him. Why I've liked him since probably the first or second time I met him in person, and it's getting more and more difficult to understand by the day. Usually I wouldn't even think he was attractive, I'd hate the stupid pretentious music that his band makes, and I'd think he was a womanizer and an asshole. I mean, he doesn't even like Hillary Clinton. Which I also decided this week I would vote for, I mean, I like Barack Obama more, but with less that two full terms in the senate--wait, way off topic. Anyway, I should think all that shit about him but I still don't. I still like him, a lot, and...it needs to stop. I value his friendship a lot too, really. I don't know, this is another one of those 'can't think about that today' scenerios. Maybe today I will make a premeditated effort to ignore him. I need to appreciate the fact that's it's never going to happen. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, PHOEBE. Okay. I can appreciate that.
I really just want to move to New York. The place in L.A. is nice and shit, but it's not me. I need to start thinking one day at a time too, but with thought towards the bigger picture. Today, track drums. In the near future, finish the album; hope that the album does well enough to make me some money to move to New York. Move to New York. Find a hipster boyfriend who tries to make a difference in some profound way that will ultimately touch my heart. Buy a Dog.
^ Goals for the future.
This has gone on for far too long. Shit, I'm gonna be late for lunch.
Phoebe
posted by phoebe at
2:34 PM
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