another year to add to the worst of my life

People really are predictable in the most painful kind of way. They tell you you always assume, that you jump to conclusions, yet they continue to prove your conclusions right time and time again.

I wish giving up was easier. I'm going to make it easier on myself. I'll hate him if I have to. I have to do something, I can't let this keep eating a hole inside my body. Ripping off little pieces of my heart everyday, making it more difficult to act normal. I don't know if I can watch it in silence. I don't think I will ever be able to stand by with a smile, and I don't think he could either. This is going to be the best way, the only way. I already miss him. I will always love him, no matter how much I don't want to, but I think maybe if I try i can stop it from being so consuming. I think maybe if I try I could open it up to someone else and let them see me. I have to try, what other choice do I have?

The holidays have been difficult this year. I know everyone goes through times of feeling alone, but sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who actually is alone. 22 still sounds so young to feel so old. I wish I could be home to see my therapist, the road is the exact opposite of the place that I need to be right now. I'm sick of acting happy when I'm not. I'm sick of smiling at you and complimenting you and listening to your complaints and giving you advice when all I want to do is scream and punch mirrors of my reflection. A dramatized version of the truth, but the truth none the less. I don't want to be hollow anymore, but I can't be me. No one would like me.

I shouldn't be writing this but I really have to before I go crazy. I can't feel or think. This might be hysteria, then again maybe I just need a good night's sleep. I think if I try I can be happy again. Or at least be able to wear the happy face without it burning my skin. I don't feel enough to hate.

circles and triangles

I have not written in an actual journal/blog in so long.

Today started out horribly with a phone call from Cate. Almost everyday that starts out with a phone call from her is horrible come to think of it. I should stop answering my cell when she calls me first thing in the morning.

These last few days have been filled with Danny and Bailey and not much else. My two besties, I missed them both so much. I'm pretty sure I should never go that long without seeing either of them ever again. It sucks that Portland is so from from L.A. and also that I would sell my soul to a non-existant devil before ever agreeing to move to here. 

Bombadier was on Tuesday and Bailey's brother Kieran has reported a safe arrival to his new home in Las Vegas. I don't know how L.A. will survive without his awesomeness. The show was mind-blowing, I'm pretty sure Danny had an erection the entire time and that Kylan slipped me some roofies because I was SO FUCKED UP that night. Evidently Ryan and I had an interesting phone conversation that I am still waiting to hear the ins and outs of. He seemed amused.

Yesterday Bailey and I went shopping for Bella and made a game out of avoiding the papz all day. He was so worried about not getting her the right toys, but he picked out everything on his own! I just kind of cornered him into the right section and let him loose. I also got some stuff for Cate's girl's but I'm in a relatively good mood at the moment so I won't even get into that. Last night Danny and I went over to Bailsy's pad to get our ass kicked at video games. It didn't take me that long to give up and spend the majority of the night jumping on his expensive couch and singing to Gwen Stefani, contrary to popular belief I really am not five years old, if you can believe it.

Today was a morning and afternoon filled with dannytime as I like to call it. We went shopping and picked out stuff for his reception thingy, I keep telling him round tables instead of banquets, I hope he'll listen. I was feeling crappy all day until Bails', we talked and he had me smiling as always. We also wrapped Bella's gifts which was soothing. I love gift wrap and they look stellar. We also decided that I am legally an elf this Christmas.

I don't feel like talking about anything important in here today so I'll leave it at that.

Much Love,

Phoe