modern marvels

blog about nothing much

2010-04-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

So, I am home from Canada! I have been home, but, updating my blog is never high on my to-do list which is pretty lame of me! I apologize. It's really difficult for me to concentrate on anything right now because I keep thinking about how much I want some Easter candy, and what would be the best way to go about getting some, and it's a continual distraction.

Definitely want to thank everyone who came out and donated to The Rock N Roller Derby last night. It was a great success and all of the women's shelters that benefited expressed major humility in light of the big ole donation. I am not really good about seeing blood and there was a good bit of that so I had to dip out a little early, but from what I hear it finished just as strong as it started.

The Canadian shows...I can't really say how much fun they were and how much playing them meant to me. I had never done a solo tour up there, and getting to play acoustically, and with some of my best friends, was more fun than is probably legal. I got to cover a different requiem villa song each night of the tour, and they got to cover mine--which was a total trip. I wish I had all of their versions recorded, if you do, upload that stuff to youtube please!

I don't know how many of you know it, but April is Earth Month. I know, you're all expecting this to turn into one of my typical enviro-nazi spiels, but I promise that's not about to happen. Maybe just a little tangent. I was super sorry to hear about President Obama's proposal to open up our domestic shores to drilling. I 100% understand the need to be independent from foreign oil for our national security, but I am continually disappointed by his administrations lack of commitment to the climate change crisis. All the electric cars in the world aren't going to make a damn bit of difference if our electricity still comes from dirty coal. We need to make an energy overhaul in this country NOW. Why don't people understand! It baffles and saddens me. End tangent.

Anyway, this month I encourage everyone to do something environmentally responsible, from starting a recycling program to putting solar panels on your house to picking up trash, whatever you can do!

I will end this blog by saying that I am excited to go to Coachella, and sharing visual evidence of our beautiful Earth as taken by James Milton during our Thanksgiving drive up the PCH. You may recognize my dog, Abigail Ann, in the photos!

2010-02-11T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure why, but whenever I watch programs about the geological history of the Earth, it makes me think about the future. The History Channel has a series called 'How The Earth Was Made' that airs on Wednesdays, and I spent a good chuck of yesterday holed up in my hotel room watching it. I got to look out the window at the Rockies while listening to the story of their formation. It was a coincidental moment. The way the Earth changes completely fascinates me. It's hard to think about it and not freak yourself out, but seriously, none of it makes any logical sense. When I start to think about the reasons why anything exists, I understand more why people are religious. The universe is just so beyond my comprehension.

I've only been back in school one quarter, but I spend a lot of time studying in the Geology library and I've managed to do a little bit of talking with the folks that congregate there; all of them agree that man contributes to global warming, most of them agree that 'going green' could provide us with a temporary solution to the issue. The idea of temporary scares me a little. I feel like we, we being world governments, really need to invest more time, money, and intelligence to the climate crisis. No species can live forever on Earth because its climate changes are so severe and can often be rapid. Am I suggesting we need to strap in to the U.S.S. Enterprise (I think that's the name, Jayda would be proud) and kick it into hyperspeed to the next galaxy? Maybe. The truth is I don't really know. I will keep buying my local dairy and organic cotton, but I'm not naïve enough to think in the end it will be enough.

I went skiing earlier to clear my mind, looks like it didn't really work. I'm a little lost on the employment front, feeling uninspired about music and rocks, and other things too. I miss home. Any advice about getting out of a rut? I should probably take some.

Happy early olympics day (and maybe v-day, too),

Phoebe

2009-11-20T18:19:00.000-08:00

Hello friendly, personal blog readers!

How's everything with you? Good I hope. I am doing mass procrastinating on writing a final paper about the natural disaster of my choice (suggestions welcome!--I'm thinking the eruption of Mt. St. Helen's perhaps) so I thought I'd do my monthly check in just to blab on about my life. I know I should probably update my official site with this stuff instead of just post links to this blog over there, but this one is just really so much easier for me to operate.

Anyway, I suppose a lot of you probably heard about my run-in with the law, and I just want to take this time to sincerely apologize for that mistake. There is really no good excuse for drinking (or smoking) and driving, no matter how little it is. I knew that then as I know it now, and all I can really say is that I dropped the ball. I am lucky to have great friends and fans who forgive me when I do stupid things. I appreciate you all, and for those who are curious I am all signed up for my mandatory driving classes and without a license for a year, though I did manage to get school privileges.

Speaking of school, it's going well. Math is hard, but I am getting by. English, Geology and 'my sex class' as I like to call it (human sexual behavior problems) are all great though, and I'm really excited to be done with my first quarter in just a few more weeks. I am getting very excited for a few days off at Thanksgiving, it's my favorite holiday and we're taking a drive up to my favorite place, Oregon. Couldn't be better.

In terms of work, I wrote my first new song in forever about a week ago when I was feeling really stressed out. James is turning our den into a studio right now and as such all of our musical instruments are strewn out around our living room (see here: proof) so I just put down my math book and grooved on the piano a little. I always like writing on piano more than guitar, what about you? Oh yes, I suppose my label (yes, I still have one) would like me to mention that I have a song on the He's Just Not That Into You soundtrack. It's called 'You and I' and I wrote it and sang it with the best of all best friends, Danny Palmer. CLICK HERE FOR NEW SONG. More things you should check out include: Jayda Barclay's solo album (if you haven't yet), Chloe Porter's solo EP, and Miranda Callenway's new record, I was honored to collaborate in some way on all of them!

I think that's all I have to share with you for now, I'll be doing a Christmas benefit show in New York sometime next month, so be on the look out for that. In the mean time, let's keep with the spirit and tell one another what we're most thankful for today.

Since I'm known to be a sap, I'll go first. I'm still most thankful to find this in my local cereal aisle:

2009-10-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

hello friends. I'm taking a break on catching up on this season of the office to check in with you all, that's how important you guys are to me! hah. I hear the Jim/Pam wedding is freaking cute and I am very excited to watch it. (I have tissues handy, I know I'll be needing them). Apart from that Project Runway is tonight, too. Thursday is a ridiculously awesome night for TV. I am rooting for Carol Hannah or Althea, just so you know. Hold on I have to get my portabellas off the skillet.

Okay, back. School is really intense right now. As I suspected I am pretty behind in math, but I've been going to the tutoring and that has been helpful, I recommend it! My Geology class is fascinating if not a tad depressing (I have to watch a lot of clips of people dying in Natural Disasters) it just leaves you in complete awe of nature, for example, the 2004 Indian Ocean Earthquake that caused the tsunami threw off the rotation of the earth and days are now .003 seconds shorter now. Learning so much about earthquakes has really only increased my anxiety about living in LA, not that Portland was better, or any place on the west coast. Maybe I should move to Iowa, what do you guys think?

I just had my last midterm today, in English, and I think overall they went well. I feel really relieved, like I'll actually have time to have a life for five minutes. I haven't done anything fun at all since school started aside from Micha's birthday party last weekend, I don't know how I managed not to drink myself into oblivion with all this stress I've been carrying around, but somehow I managed and I think everyone had fun. I hope anyway.

I can't believe it's almost Halloween. Does anyone have anything fun planned? How about costume ideas? I was graciously invited to Gabe Rawn's annual Halloween Bash, so obviously I'll be there. I just have no idea what to go as yet. Alex suggest and Esmeralda get up, so she's the front runner for now, though I think pirate could look kinda cool with the dreads, right? If only I could have a peg leg. I bought some runts for Trick Or Treaters, I'm excited to pass them out. I wonder if we'll have any. If I'll have any, rather. James won't be back for 2 and 1/2 more weeks, but I am starting the official count now.

Just so this blog isn't totally pointless, I'll give you some food for thought. What is your opinion on multiculturalism? Is it good to respect the right of a sub-cultural that inherently oppresses women and personal freedoms to exist within your own cultural, or should individualistic, western countries not be afraid to say that their way of doing things is better, and if you wish to live within the borders, you need to assimilate? I've been reading Ayaan Hirsi Ali lately, and she definitely has me thinking!

2009-08-29T22:31:00.000-07:00

Me again, hard to believe, I know. I'm actually starting to get bored enough to blog regularly--this is kind of sad in and of itself.

I still have almost a full month before school starts and I really have no idea what to do with myself. It seems the best part of my summer...the part I had been looking forward to since June, flew by in a major hurry. Bum out bus, indeed. Not that I had a bum out bus time, I got to go to Hawaii and see a beautiful wedding, a beautiful volcano, and a lot of my beautiful, air conditioned, room service provided hotel room. I wouldn't change a moment of it.

Post-Hawaii time was spent on a tour bus venturing up and down the California coast for a few days. It's a pretty state. I forgot how small bunks are, and that made me a little sad. Only a little, though. I was mostly ridiculously happy the entire time as James is one of my favorites and watching him perform on a nightly basis is one of my favorite things to do. I think I would probably faint if I had to be on stage in front of that many people, though. Thanks to all the people I saw at those shows that said nice things to me, and thanks to all my friends that came.

Speaking of friends, I have Jayda back now and I am happy about that. Needless to say being alone in a big house in the hills sucks. It always makes me feel like the place in haunted. It won't be much longer before Jay's album--which I played drums on, hello announcement--will be out, and I am pretty pumped on that. I will post the exact date here once I know it. In the mean time I have been trying to convince her to come with me to yoga class. I have been thusly unsuccessful, but, here's a picture from this mornings session to inspire her:

Other friends who are awesome include but are not limited to: Chloe Porter. She showed me some beautiful lyrics she wrote the other night (I am very priviledged, I know!) and I think we are gonna jam sometime this week, so I am super excited about that. I am definitely in drum mode so any chance I get to play is welcomed.

Today I bought some new school clothes and supplies, it was like a time warp. I cannot believe they sell Ed Hardy folders. Word to the wise: do not wear Ed Hardy unless you want to look like a tool! This whole school things is starting to feel real and it's really exciting, but scary at the same time. I have this intense fear that I will show up and be the most clueless person in the class, so, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well, my dog is whining to be let out, so I must bid you all adieu.

Until Next Time,
xoxo
phoebe

2009-08-14T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! How are you? Well I hope. Alright! without further ado I've decided that instead of the same ole, same ole non-visual blog, we're gonna try this new fangled idea I call picture blogging. After stealing this master idea from someone, I went through my camera and found a bunch of pictures that will hopefully help illustrate my life recently.

First and foremost, I have to share these hair photos. I have had my dreads in since I was about...18, so about three years now, and they are a constant work in progress but holy crap, I am proud of them. Behold:

Epic dudes, EPIC. I really thought they would have stopped growing by now. In all honesty ever since I moved back to LA I've just been contemplating shaving my head and getting rid of they, they're so hot and heavy in this So Cal heat. Speaking of SoCal, yes, I am back! I know I said I'd never live here again, but a few certain someones changed my tune and alas, here I am. It's nice to be closer to my sister, and some of my friends, especially Danny and baby B. Since I just got a call from my Aunt last week saying these photos were in Life & Style, I see no harm posting one here. The new digs:

It's a compromise house, but, I'm glad because I've really ended up loving it more than the original. Who knew that men don't see the logic in buying a 5 bedroom house because 'it's pretty tho :[ '. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me!

Since I've been back in LA I've had a little orange haired wonder staying with me a lot, which has been nice since we've both had kind of a lonely summer. She's finishing up an album that's going to blow people away, because she rules like that. I've also gotten to sneak in some precious hang out time with my faux big brother. I don't know what I'd do without them both: here's a photo I snapped of them when we all went out for dinner the other day:

Talk about the cutest people ever. Love love love them.

Speaking of things I love love love. I ended up with a new pet :[ Normally I am not a cat lover, but, animals are animals and we've had this stray wandering up to our porch for about a week. She didn't have a collar, and I tried to call around to see if anyone had reported her missing, even asked around the neighborhood, all to no avail. Finally three nights ago when she was whining outside the screen door I just decided enough was enough and took her in! I named her Dolley in keeping with my tradition of naming animals after the wives of American presidents. This is her debut:

I start school in a little over a month and I'm already getting pretty nervous. I mean, I know I got in and I didn't even do all that horrible on the math placement test (this is a miracle, trust me) but I still can't help the feeling that I'll be behind because I've been out so long. I'm excited about my major though, evolutionary biology is just a big fancy name for trying to answer the question: "Where did we come from?". If you know me, you know this is one of my favorite topics of discussion so it really couldn't be more perfect. I had my orientation last week, it was really hot, really overwhelming, but also really cool. Here's a picture of UCLA for good measure:

I think I'm just about done rambling right now, but, since my friend Garbo is always posting about her fabulous meals on Twitter, I figured I'd better toss in this photo to show her up! (in my dreams, she cooks the pants off me!) This is what I made for dinner tonight:

Vegan tofu herb lasagna! Hopefully Jay will approve.

Until next time kids,

xoxo phoe

2009-07-07T16:21:00.000-07:00

Wow, I have not written in here in a long time. I say that everytime I write a blog so I suppose it's sort of redundant (ent?) by now, alas. Things have changed a lot in my life since the last time I wrote, I don't really know where to begin, so I don't think I will. This week marks a very interesting anniversary, it's the week I met someone who changed my life for better and for worse, but who taught me a lot about life and myself along the way. Someone I still think about a lot. I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life, and I feel incredibly luckily to have made it here.

This is the first time since I was 16 that I haven't been working on any music, and I have to admit I thought I would be more anxious, but in truth I haven't started missing anything just yet. I recently moved back to Los Angeles and in with my manfriend (as carrie would say) and so far unpacking all my mountainous crap, redecorating here and there, and catching up with old friends has been consuming a lot of my time. It's very domestic, but I don't mind it in the least, it means I get to spend more time with my dog and she is lovely. I did however have to give up my quarterhorse, Martha. I left her in the care of stable where she was being boarded. It's a family run place and I know they love her and will take the best care of her possible. I still do miss her though, maybe someday we will be reunited. That seems to happen to me a lot, losing things and then finding them again, and having it be better than I ever remembered. Yeah.

Danny and Hank's bouncing baby is due any day now and I am waiting with bated breath. During my time off I've been helping him get the house together in preparation. I've never seen him more excited for anything. I don't claim to be very good with babies, but I must admit he is rubbing off on me. I can't wait to meet this kid.

In fact, I am late to his house for dinner. I just wanted to check in with a little update, I hope everyone is doing well, and continue to watch this space because I'm cooking up a blog musing about the meaning of life.

xoxo

phoe

2009-01-25T19:29:00.000-08:00

Hard to believe it's only been a month since I wrote in here last, a lot of things have changed. Mentally, I'm better than I have been in a long while and I owe that solely to the people I'm lucky enough to call my friends. Sometimes when you're going through something hard you think you need to close off and be reclusive and hermit-like to get past it. I don't like people seeing me bye emotional, like really, genuinely emotional, but what I have found is that running from everyone only leaves you completely wrapped up in the same emptiness you were trying to avoid.

I'm lucky my friends have accepted me back into their lives with open arms after I neglected them for too long. I'm working on repairing the damaged relationship with my family. I had to suck the poison out of my life before I could be okay, even though in this case the poison was myself. My New Year's resolution this year is to be relaxed. I don't want to stress, I don't want to fight, I don't want to worry about petty things. I want to be me and be happy with just that. For now, I'm well on my way, I think this new found independence suits me. I want to be practical, I want to be a whole individual while at the same time self-reliant. I guess I have a lot of resolutions in the end.

another year to add to the worst of my life

2008-12-28T00:32:00.000-08:00

People really are predictable in the most painful kind of way. They tell you you always assume, that you jump to conclusions, yet they continue to prove your conclusions right time and time again.

I wish giving up was easier. I'm going to make it easier on myself. I'll hate him if I have to. I have to do something, I can't let this keep eating a hole inside my body. Ripping off little pieces of my heart everyday, making it more difficult to act normal. I don't know if I can watch it in silence. I don't think I will ever be able to stand by with a smile, and I don't think he could either. This is going to be the best way, the only way. I already miss him. I will always love him, no matter how much I don't want to, but I think maybe if I try i can stop it from being so consuming. I think maybe if I try I could open it up to someone else and let them see me. I have to try, what other choice do I have?

The holidays have been difficult this year. I know everyone goes through times of feeling alone, but sometimes I feel like the only person in the world who actually is alone. 22 still sounds so young to feel so old. I wish I could be home to see my therapist, the road is the exact opposite of the place that I need to be right now. I'm sick of acting happy when I'm not. I'm sick of smiling at you and complimenting you and listening to your complaints and giving you advice when all I want to do is scream and punch mirrors of my reflection. A dramatized version of the truth, but the truth none the less. I don't want to be hollow anymore, but I can't be me. No one would like me.

I shouldn't be writing this but I really have to before I go crazy. I can't feel or think. This might be hysteria, then again maybe I just need a good night's sleep. I think if I try I can be happy again. Or at least be able to wear the happy face without it burning my skin. I don't feel enough to hate.

circles and triangles

2008-12-04T22:18:00.000-08:00

I have not written in an actual journal/blog in so long.

Today started out horribly with a phone call from Cate. Almost everyday that starts out with a phone call from her is horrible come to think of it. I should stop answering my cell when she calls me first thing in the morning.

These last few days have been filled with Danny and Bailey and not much else. My two besties, I missed them both so much. I'm pretty sure I should never go that long without seeing either of them ever again. It sucks that Portland is so from from L.A. and also that I would sell my soul to a non-existant devil before ever agreeing to move to here.

Bombadier was on Tuesday and Bailey's brother Kieran has reported a safe arrival to his new home in Las Vegas. I don't know how L.A. will survive without his awesomeness. The show was mind-blowing, I'm pretty sure Danny had an erection the entire time and that Kylan slipped me some roofies because I was SO FUCKED UP that night. Evidently Ryan and I had an interesting phone conversation that I am still waiting to hear the ins and outs of. He seemed amused.

Yesterday Bailey and I went shopping for Bella and made a game out of avoiding the papz all day. He was so worried about not getting her the right toys, but he picked out everything on his own! I just kind of cornered him into the right section and let him loose. I also got some stuff for Cate's girl's but I'm in a relatively good mood at the moment so I won't even get into that. Last night Danny and I went over to Bailsy's pad to get our ass kicked at video games. It didn't take me that long to give up and spend the majority of the night jumping on his expensive couch and singing to Gwen Stefani, contrary to popular belief I really am not five years old, if you can believe it.

Today was a morning and afternoon filled with dannytime as I like to call it. We went shopping and picked out stuff for his reception thingy, I keep telling him round tables instead of banquets, I hope he'll listen. I was feeling crappy all day until Bails', we talked and he had me smiling as always. We also wrapped Bella's gifts which was soothing. I love gift wrap and they look stellar. We also decided that I am legally an elf this Christmas.

I don't feel like talking about anything important in here today so I'll leave it at that.

Much Love,

Phoe

2007-06-01T17:46:00.000-07:00

I haven’t felt this strange in a long time. Well, not too long of a time. Maybe a couple of months give or take, but still, it’s not a feeling I really enjoy having. My chest feels tight and all the air in my body seems to be stuck at the back of my throat. I want to open my mouth and say something, but I’m afraid I’ll start crying, or vomit. I don’t like to cry and I haven’t vomited since last August after I finally kicked the habit that no one ever noticed anyway. It’s good though. It’s good when people don’t notice, it means you’re not doing things for attention. I hate attention seekers more than I hate being fat. Or hated. I don’t think I’m fat anymore. I might be, but like I said, I’m out of that stage. I already feel a little better since I started writing this and I can feel the knot in my throat slowly being unwound, even though whenever I start to think it comes back a bit tighter than before. I just tried it. Let my hands quit sweeping across the keys for just long enough to sort out the images that are clouding my mind and the knot grew tighter, now I’m getting paranoid about it. Trying to force myself to think to see if it will block air to my lungs and suffocate me. You don’t have to tell me I’m crazy. I already know.

It’s cold in New York today I think, but it might not be, I have those really thick shades so that you can’t tell the sun is shining even if it’s the hottest day of the summer. I don’t even know if it’s day or night right now, actually. But it’s night in this room and I’m illuminated by the only light in the apartment. I want to have an out of body experience. I bet you I could, or I could at least fool myself and everyone else into thinking I did. Have you ever done that? Told a lie so many times that you actually thought it was real? And then it would cross your own mind as if it actually happened and you’d have to take a moment to remind yourself that it really didn’t? And then you’re embarrassed, like, you can’t even admit your own bullshit to yourself. It’s so retarded. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Anyway, I want to have an out of body experience, to just stand in the doorway of my bedroom and watch myself write this even. I wonder if I look different to myself than I would to my out-of-body-self, ya know like how your voice always sounds different on an answering machine or voice recorder? I wonder if everything about me I thought I knew it just totally wrong. Was I the only one that wondered if their life was like The Truman Show and that movie was just made to throw me off?

Think about it though. How much would your whole life mean if everyone in it was an actor, and how can you prove that everyone isn't? And would you be embarrassed about the things people see you do in day to day life? I know I would be. But why? I just thought how I wouldn’t want some people, some people who are my closest friends in the world--especially them actually, to really, really know me. But if everyone was just an actor, then obviously they wouldn’t care about any of the disappointing things I've done and my guilt would be irrelevant. Not that I even feel guilty. But it might make me feel better to know there was no reason to be. Then again to think that the only real love I’ve felt in my life was completely bogus is more depressing than I’d like to admit. This paragraph was pointless. But this is the weird shit I always think about. Like how in that opening scene he’s like making faces in the mirror, sometimes I’ll do that just in case, just to make people wonder if I know they‘re watching me, cause I think that would fuck me up if I were them.

I had the weirdest dream two nights ago though. It’s reoccurring and I don’t understand it. I was in the hall at my mother’s house talking to her about towels, and there was a man who appeared Arabic and had some kind of large gun standing in my bedroom doorway like I ghost. I see this guy in my dreams all the time, but whenever I acknowledge him, I blink, and he goes away. But two nights ago I wasn’t sleeping alone for the first time in forever, and I saw him, and when I blinked he didn’t go away. So I screamed “Who the fuck are you?” Obviously, ya know, I thought I might finally get some kind of answer about what the hell was going on with this guy. When he spoke back to me I seriously thought I was going to dream faint, but all he said back was “No, who are you”, and then I blinked and he was gone again. I’m not really into analyzing dreams to like predict the future or anything, but I do think it’s a way of expressing underlying fears that you’re not ready to deal with yet. I’m just not sure what this one is about yet, while it’s usually easy for me to psychoanalyze myself, I laid there staring at the ceiling and breathing heavy for an hour. I only fell back to sleep because he was there. Now that I’m alone again it’s hard.

That’s the thing about every place though. It’s all lonely. No matter what expectations I have or who I meet, the lonliness between the real moments is killer. I kind of want to go back to school and learn some new shit. I would hate it though, I’m not organized enough, and my head is in a bad place for it. Maybe someday. Tour soon could make or break this. Still trying to decide my feelings on it, but I’m sure it won’t be long until we do our best to forget everything bad. I think I’ll leave this public, I’m over privacy and everyone will stop a paragraph in as it were.

xoxo
Phoebe

2007-04-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

I just want to establish that I like to think I'm no where near cheesy enough to get in a cat fight.

Anywho. This week has been a struggle, I've moved so many times in my life that it seems like I should have it down by now, but no, there is shit piled all over my house and boxes half packed and trash bags full of stuff for goodwill, it looks like a warzone; on the real. I'm leaving for New York on Thursday though, which is rapidly approaching, I feel like I just got this apartment and I'm already leaving it, but it's really for the best. Just last night as a I was coming home from dinner I stopped to cross the street and the crosswalk and was literally circled and harrassed by a homeless guy, I'm just ready to get out of here, not to mention living alone gets so boring and isolating.

That's really what these last couple of months have been for me though, just a long period of isolation. I saw and spoke to as few people as possible because I wanted to take time to figure myself out, and now I'm not really sure if I accomplished that goal, or if I'm just more fucked than I was before I moved in here. Either way I'm leaving, and I'm excited. I really want to see if the change in scenery will spark the change in mentality that I've been needing for some time. I would really love to meet some new people and step outside my little bubble, maybe even a date or two; so if anyway knows a swell single fellow in the tri-state area, hook me up! Ha, I read that in Glamour magazine, where this chick forwarded an e-mail to everyone in her address book asking them to forward her phone number to a guy, and she got like 40 dates out of it or something. That magazine is so sexist though, most magazines are. They tell women the only things they should care about are their body, their hair, their make up, pleasing their man, and raising their kids. It's kind of disgusting when you think about it.

I watched the Democratic debates on Thursday, and I just have to say, why is Senator Gravel such a nut case? I mean really, he had some good ideas but they were just completely over shadowed by how insane he was acting. I thought Obama was weak, which was disappointing because he was my early favorite. The old guy from connecticut was stale and has no chance anyway, I really disliked Bill Richardson, so that just left Hilary and Joe Biden, I thought they really performed the best. John Edwards was good too actually, I like his ideas about healthcare a lot, but he's just far too socially conservative for my tastes. Someone bring back Howard Dean plz :[. And I'm not sure why I just wrote that review because no one will likely care, but oh well. I care.

In other news I reached level 53 in World of Warcraft this weekend with my girl who is a draeinai shadow priest, which I am pretty proud of, I already have a level 70 character, though I am still worlds behind Marc who I think has like 3 level 70's at this point. Hah, I am such a nerd it is rediculous. I guess to up my cool points I could talk about how it costs so much to move that I don't have any cash to buy weed until we get paid on Monday. Ugh, talk about some harsh shit. I think I need it now more than ever, my mind is going crazy, which probably means I'm addicted. Though really I'm not because marijuana isn't actually physically addicting and causes no symptoms of withdrawl.

I'm kind of excited because Marc and Liza are talking about taking a vacation to Japan just because Max has been hyping it so much recently, I suppose I will probably go with them if they do decide to go. I really like Japan and I feel like I haven't been on a vacation in forever. It will be cool to see Powder Burn too, they are my guilty pleasure, and obv, I have to go steal a few kisses from my secret lover. lolz. Really though, it will be good to see Max, he owes me some trouble in the form of illicit activities (aka he is so buying me an asian prostitute). Mad pumped! Sike!

wow, I'm lame, I'm really sorry if anyone's intelligence actually DECREASED by reading this. :[

xoxo
Phoebe (aka cinnamon tart)

2007-04-15T14:34:00.000-07:00

I think I must have been listening to my ipod too loudly last night because now it feels like I have this constant ringing that won't go away. It's annoying as fuck and just makes me want to sleep from here to eternity, but so do most things these days. I think I'm depressed.

Last night I could hardly sleep cause I felt like I was just bursting at the seams to write things in here, and now this morning I can barely remember why I wanted to write some of that shit down. I think I get more emotional when I'm tired or something. I don't remember when I turned into someone so lame and cynincal. Well, I actually think the lame part has obviously always been there to some varying degree, but the cynical is new. I swear I used to be optimistic, but now I'm not even that.

I'm a lame, boring, pessimistic, fat, annoying, bitch. I'm too opinionated, yet too willing to back down to make people feel comfortable. I'm too quiet, yet when I do talk I always say the wrong things. I say this shit like I plan on making some sort of a change in my life, but I really don't, not today at least, it's too hard today. To quote the famous Scarlet, 'I can't think about that today; I'll have to think about it tomorrow'.

I'm such a whiner, good God, I can hear my Father telling me to pull myself together in my head, but this is my journal and just by the sheer fact that I feel guilty writing stuff I'm thinking about in it, already points out a flaw. Why am I so concerned with being 'cool' even if I'm the only one who will ever see? I don't know. Flaw number 39434095. I am also a virgin, I can't spell, and I'm not environmentally friendly 'enough'. One day I should list all of those flaws, and maybe even a few things I like about myself so that I can at least pretend it's physchologically (that's spelled wrong) productive.

Last night Max kind of beat me at scrabble, and it was less depressing than it should have been. I am still battling with the ongoing struggle of why exactly I like him. Why I've liked him since probably the first or second time I met him in person, and it's getting more and more difficult to understand by the day. Usually I wouldn't even think he was attractive, I'd hate the stupid pretentious music that his band makes, and I'd think he was a womanizer and an asshole. I mean, he doesn't even like Hillary Clinton. Which I also decided this week I would vote for, I mean, I like Barack Obama more, but with less that two full terms in the senate--wait, way off topic. Anyway, I should think all that shit about him but I still don't. I still like him, a lot, and...it needs to stop. I value his friendship a lot too, really. I don't know, this is another one of those 'can't think about that today' scenerios. Maybe today I will make a premeditated effort to ignore him. I need to appreciate the fact that's it's never going to happen. IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, PHOEBE. Okay. I can appreciate that.

I really just want to move to New York. The place in L.A. is nice and shit, but it's not me. I need to start thinking one day at a time too, but with thought towards the bigger picture. Today, track drums. In the near future, finish the album; hope that the album does well enough to make me some money to move to New York. Move to New York. Find a hipster boyfriend who tries to make a difference in some profound way that will ultimately touch my heart. Buy a Dog.

^ Goals for the future.

This has gone on for far too long. Shit, I'm gonna be late for lunch.

Phoebe